Wednesday, October 2, 2013

finding peace

Over a month since my last post! I guess nothing new has really happened-just the busyness of life. Actually, that's not entirely true. The last three months have kind of been rough ones, and on one side it felt like a sham to come post here about how great life is going-look at us! we're such a happy apple-picking family!- but on the other, it's hard to open up about our struggles-especially the kinds that aren't major-the kinds we hide from everyone besides our family. I've recently discovered that Christians far too often put on a perfect front, and I've been trying to be more honest. I feel like God has been working on my heart a lot this past month.

I told you all a while ago that I had been feeling pretty awful physically wise (mostly in July). I don't know about you, but grumpy me is not the kindest me (ask anyone who's known me while pregnant, haha!). I felt a lot of impatience, frustration, and even anger about...I don't know, it felt like about everything! The thing is, sin is sin, and I haven't ever seen an exception clause in the Bible that excuses you when you have a headache. The other thing about sin is that the more you practice it, the more it becomes a part of who you are. So even once I started to feel better,  I was still acting out in impatience far far too much. It seemed like any little thing would put me in a bad mood..I was yelling at everybody, and the kids were hearing "hurry up" about twenty times a day. I don't know why it is that sometimes we treat the people we love the most, the worst. :/ 

And then all the following happened in the space of a week or two...I've been in two different Bible studies, and one week the chapter asked what "home" meant to us. My definition was peace and security. I felt pretty convicted that my home was currently not a place of peace! In fact, lately my definition of life was chaos. At the other study, they were talking about patience, and how impatience stems from thinking that what we're doing (or want to be doing) is more important than anything else. We were sitting at dinner one night, and Joel mentioned some things that to me pointed exactly to the fact that he was feeling the un-peace of life. There were other things sprinkled throughout, but when Sam came home with the Bible verse to memorize: God is not a God of disorder but of peace. I actually laughed when I saw that! It's like, okay God! I hear you!!

The other side of the chaos is that lately I've had a lot of side projects going on. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but in my case I was choosing these projects over things like laundry and housework. You can guess what the results of that were! Not only does having a messy house feel chaotic, but it also makes me grumpy, so it was a compounding situation. Last of all, I've had a prayer on my heart for the past five years. Sort of a "if it's Your will God, I'm ready" kind of thing. I've always felt that my answer was "not now" but I felt very strongly that when I prayed about it a little while back I was getting a no. And not a "no" because God has other plans, but a no because our family couldn't handle it because of choices I was making. That hurt!

God is good though. He has helped me sort out my priorities and get me back on a track that I should be on. The first day of working on myself, I decided to write down every single thing that made me feel frustrated, how I felt, how I acted, and what the reality of the situation was. Doing that has made reacting in impatience and frustration a much more conscience act rather than just a reaction. It also helped me find triggers-like being rushed in the mornings.  Now everyone gets up earlier than before, so there is plenty of time. Extra projects have taken a sideline, which has given me more time to get things done. There have been other things going on as well, but these have been the big ones. So! That is where September went!

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