Saturday, December 28, 2013

Last one

Hopefully this is the last post on the subject for a while. I just feel like I should wrap things up in my mind a little bit. Truth be told, I was proud of myself for how well I handled the news of my results. I think getting the news on the eve of my aunt's death really helped me see the blessing of knowledge...had my aunt known, she could very well be alive today. Then there was all the excitement of Christmas on my mind. Now with nothing distracting my mind, I've been feeling kind of gloomy.  I still see the blessing, but I also see the news for what it's worth. Anyways, hopefully this is the last post on the subject for a while. For now, I just want to put it out of my mind until April when I go in for my yearly MRI.

Monday, I met with the geneticist again, and it felt totally surreal hearing recommendations for plastic surgeons, and learning that I was being referred out to a high risk gynecologist from now on. It mostly felt like we were talking about someone else. After my appointment, Joel and I went out and had a nice lunch date at the Olive Garden, laughed and had a great little hour without the kids.

And then, two days ago, I wanted to find out how common the mutation is (about .003-.001% of the population) and I saw that that teeny portion of people makes up for about 10% of all breast cancer and 15% of ovarian, and that's when the reality set in. This news stinks. I think what's been bothering me the most, is the fear that this is going to define my life, or at the least that it will always be on my mind. I'm thinking that the news is fresh, so maybe it will take some time.(I won't even get into how knowing all three of my babies have a 50% chance of having it makes me feel. That is hands down the worst of all my feelings.  I just keep telling myself there's gonna be a cure or at least prevention for cancer in 20 years.) Mostly though, this news does not fit with my five year plan, or how I envisioned the future. The good, logical side of me, just keeps reminding myself that I never owned a second of my future, but the other side just wants to pout and cry that not everything is going to follow my schedule. I'm trying hard to trust in God through this all, and to see that not a single one of my plans was ever anything but a plan. Just a few minutes ago, I came across some words written by a beautiful woman of God, and she had this reminder in there....Contentment is defined as "not desiring something more or different; happy enough with what one has or is; satisfied." So I guess right now that is my goal-learning to be happy with what is or will be...

2 comments:

  1. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Bethany! I definitely need that. :)

    ReplyDelete

 
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