Wednesday, December 18, 2013

worse

Well, I got my test brca test results back, and it's not good news. I'm positive for the gene mutation. Even though my chances were 50/50, I think that deep down I was expecting to be negative. I don't know why...maybe because I feel fine? Because things like this happen to other people? Because "the girls" have served me well over the years, and it's hard to see them as time bombs now? That being said when I started the process four months ago to find out, I decided that I was going to do as much research as possible, so that if the day came and I found out, I'd be ready. I didn't want to be frightened, confused, and overwhelmed all at once. Instead, I've had those feelings spread out over the past few months, and I'm pretty sure it did help prepare me for yesterday. One of the things I think that helped me the most was finding a support group on facebook. There are several "previvor" groups, and they're filled with women going through the same thing. \Not that you want someone else to go through this, but there is comfort in knowing others have been where you are at, and made it through to the other side.

The past few months while I've been studying, I've actually been really vague with Joel. I figured there was no need to worry him unnecessarily because there was a good chance everything would be okay. So I was nervous when we had a real talk about what the future is going to look like. But I married a keeper, and we're going to be okay. There was nothing I threw at him that he couldn't handle. Even the stuff that took me weeks to be okay with, he was just like "if that's what it takes to keep you safe, that's what we're going to do." What a blessing this man is to me.

All this being said, there are still a lot of uncertainties. We have an appointment with the genetic counselor on Monday, so we'll see what our next step is. Even though I have an idea of what I'm going to do, nothing has actually been decided at this point. I don't know what my timeline is, but I know that I'm not going to rush into anything. While none of this is anything I would have chosen I feel pretty thankful right now. A few months ago I was sure that I was going to leave this to chance, hope for the best & get by off of self-exams. Knowing what I do now, I am so grateful I had a change of heart and got tested. Today is actually the six year anniversary of the passing of my Aunt Ivy, and I am so clearly reminded that I have been given a gift of foresight that others have not been as fortunate to have.

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