It has been the easiest and the hardest choice I've ever had to make. Easy, because logically speaking, this is the most obvious choice (in my opinion). I will bring my cancer risk down from 87% (based off the very high numbers of cancer in my family history) down to less than 5%. Easy because I will get to have this surgery done on my terms and on my schedule. Not having cancer means not having to have surgery on top of chemo and radiation. The kind of cancer I'd be facing would be the triple negative, metastatic cancer-so very aggressive and very deadly. Easy because I will never have the regret of having been able to change my path, but sitting by and doing nothing. I think of all the women who died in my family, and I am humbled by the fact that I have a chance they were never given. I am so, SO blessed with this knowledge! Easy, because when I think of my babies or my amazing husband, I know that I would do anything to have the opportunity to spend another day here with them.
Hard, because I will forever be changing the look and feel of my body. Despite how I joke with my friends, this is completely different than a boob job. Not even on the same playing field, and vanity is a tricky little monster. Hard, because I fear that on some level there will be regret, and this is obviously something that can't be undone. Hard because of the fear of recovery, of the long reconstruction process...of what the first look after bandages come off will be like. There is always the chance that I could be the small percent that would never have gotten cancer. Hard, because any kind of surgery is scary!
So here I am. One month left of being "whole." One month left to mourn what I will lose. One month left until I have to discover what my new normal will be. One month left of having a disturbingly high chance of getting breast cancer. One month left before I can tell my kids that I did everything I could to spare them pain, to give myself the chance to see them grow up, and to one day be able to meet my grandchildren. One month and I will be a breast cancer "previvor."