I wrote this back in October when we first started this process, back before I was ready to open up about what our family was working towards. All of these still apply, but the last one almost isn't an issue now, and it was the biggest part of why I wasn't willing to foster five years ago. It's not that I don't have that fear or think it won't happen, I've just come to a place where I don't think it's an excuse anymore.
The amazing part of this new journey of ours is the peace God has brought to me, despite the fears that still linger. Almost as soon as Joel said "let's do it" they started creeping back, and that caused me to doubt. If this is God's will, why would I feel doubt? I felt again that near overwhelming feeling that I am not enough. That I will fail my husband, my children, and the children entrusted to me. But this time, instead of me choosing what I can and cannot handle, I took it to the Lord in prayer. And immediately 2 Timothy 1:7 came to mind: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." And that answered that. It's not because I have fear and doubt that this isn't our path. God has not given me a spirit of timidity and fear, but a spirit of power, and of love, and of self-discipline. This has become my mantra. The fear I might have is not of God, and that is such awesome knowledge!
I am not enough. I have never been enough. Again, 2 Corinthians 9:8 "And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." I am not enough, but God is. I know will fail, and God will pick me up. But honestly, this is so hard to get over. Every time I feel that I "fail" as a mother, every time I lose patience, or have a bad day, I imagine multiplying that across more kids, and I'm back again to "how can you possibly think you're good enough?" This is what I struggle with the most.
Finally, and selfishly. What about my heart? Here's yet another place I see God's intervention. One of the first people I met after we moved here is a young woman who was in the process of adopting the sweetest little boy from foster care. So I asked her, how can you do it with the possibility of such heartbreak on your part? She told me that even if he was taken back, every second would be worth it. That these children need and deserve someone whose heart will break for them. Someone who will fight for them. This women is amazing-she's literally changing lives. Every time I see her (now!) son, I can't hep but see how right she is. He is worth every tear. This isn't just about me and my heart. This is so much more. I can't believe that it was chance I met this beautiful family.